华盛顿-参议员约翰·费特曼承认，在他踩下“紧急刹车”并寻求抑郁症治疗之前，有过关于伤害自己的“黑暗对话”。
他记得想起了他三个学龄的孩子。“我不能成为我孩子的蓝图。我不能让他们独自一人或不理解他为什么会这样做，”这位首个任期的宾夕法尼亚州民主党人在周日播出的广播之前录制的一次非常私人和内省的采访中告诉NBC的“会见新闻界”。
因此，去年2月15日，他住进了马里兰州贝塞斯达的沃尔特·里德国家军事医学中心。“没有其他地方可去，”他说，描述了他在逗留期间的感受，“有时没有任何希望，就像是，‘我还剩下什么?’"
他也不知道自己能否在政治上生存下来。
“当它在《我在哪里》和《我要去哪里》上映时，这是一个大新闻。所以，我以为这将是我职业生涯的结束，”他说
当他寻求临床抑郁症的治疗时，费特曼仍在应对他在2022年5月竞选参议院最有争议的席位之一时中风的影响。54岁的费特曼说:“从技术上讲，我的心脏停止了跳动，情况非常危急。”。一个起搏器和一个除颤器一起被植入来控制两种心脏疾病，心房纤维性颤动和心肌病。
他战胜了共和党人穆罕默德·奥兹，帮助民主党保持了对参议院的控制，并使他成为一个全国性的人物。这是他政治生涯的巅峰。但是他在宾夕法尼亚州西部的家中无法下床。
“我真的吓坏了我的孩子们，他们想，‘你赢了，爸爸。为什么我们还不够?你为什么还这么难过?“你为什么更加难过，”很难解释为什么我会这样。当然，一个9岁的孩子不会明白这一点。太可怕了，”费特曼说。
以至于他说他“恳求不要去华盛顿”，在那年11月的晚些时候，在华盛顿为新当选的立法者举行迎新会。
他最喜欢的假期就要到了，但他却不能考虑如何度假圣诞节为他的孩子准备礼物，并“害怕”他在新年伊始在国会山宣誓就职。
不到两个月，他就到了沃尔特·里德医院。助手们形容这位新参议员性格孤僻，对吃饭、讨论工作或与工作人员的日常玩笑不感兴趣。
“这是我和自己以及任何知道自己无法解决抑郁的人的对话，他们开始和自己进行关于自残的黑暗对话，”费特曼说。“事情继续在清单上打勾。然后我好像踩了紧急刹车。”
他补充道，“我知道我需要帮助。”
在住进沃尔特·里德医院之前，费特曼从未公开讨论过他与抑郁症的斗争。他后来说，他一生中断断续续地经历过这种情况。
根据他办公室的一份声明，经过六周的住院治疗，他的抑郁症“正在缓解”，他于3月底离开沃尔特·里德医院。
医生将“缓解”描述为当患者对治疗有反应时，他们已经恢复正常的社会功能，并且他们与从未患过抑郁症的人没有区别。
从那以后，费特曼成了国会大厦的显要人物，与记者开玩笑，与参议院同事开玩笑，并在参议院听证会上发言。
对于那些现在正“面临一个真正黑暗的假期”的人，费特曼提供了这样的指导:“我知道去年是荒凉的。今年可能会很荒凉。明年可能是最好的一年。这就是发生在我身上的事情。”
Sen. Fetterman thought news about depression treatment would end his political career
WASHINGTON --Sen. John Fetterman acknowledges having “dark conversations” about harming himself before he hit “the emergency brake” and sought treatment for depression.
He remembers thinking about his three school-age kids. “I can’t be a blueprint for my children. I can’t let them be left alone or not to understand why he would have done that,” the first-term Pennsylvania Democrat told NBC’s “Meet the Press” in a deeply personal and introspective interview taped before the broadcast that aired Sunday.
So he checked himself into Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, last Feb. 15. “There was nowhere else to go,” he said, describing how he often felt during his stay that “there wasn’t any hope sometimes and like, ‘What do I have left?’”
He also wondered whether he would survive politically.
“When it got released where I was and where it was going, it was a big story. And so, I had assumed that that would be the end of my career,” he said
When he sought treatment for clinical depression, Fetterman was still coping with the effects of the stroke he had in May 2022, during his campaign for one of the Senate’s most contested seats. “My heart technically stopped, and it was a very touch-and-go situation,” said Fetterman, 54. A pacemaker was implanted with a defibrillator to manage two heart conditions, atrial fibrillation and cardiomyopathy.
His victory over Republican Mehmet Oz had helped Democrats keep control of the Senate and made him a national figure. It was the height of his political career. But he couldn’t make it out of bed at his home in Braddock, in western Pennsylvania.
“I really scared my kids, and they thought, ’You won, Dad. Why aren’t we enough? Why are you still so sad? Why are you even more sad?' And it was hard for — to explain why I was. And, of course, a 9-year-old child wouldn’t understand that. And it was awful,” Fetterman said.
So much so that he said he “pleaded not to go down to D.C.” later that November for orientation sessions in Washington for newly elected lawmakers.
His favorite holiday was nearing, yet he was unable to think about gettingChristmaspresents for his children and “dreading” his swearing in on Capitol Hill early in the new year.
Within two months, he was at Walter Reed. Aides had described the new senator as being withdrawn and uninterested in eating, discussing work or the usual banter with staff.
“This is a conversation that I’ve had with myself and anybody that knows they’re unable to address their depression, is they start to have dark conversations with themself about self-harm,” Fetterman said. “And things continued to kind of tick off the list. And then I kind of hit the emergency brake."
He added, “I knew I needed help.”
Before checking into Walter Reed, Fetterman had never publicly discussed his battle with depression. He has since said that he has experienced it on and off throughout his life.
He left Walter Reed at the end of March after six weeks of inpatient treatment with his depression “in remission,” according to a statement from his office.
Doctors describe “remission” as when a patient responds to treatment so that they have returned to normal social function and they are indistinguishable from someone who has never had depression.
Fetterman has since become a visible presence in the Capitol, bantering with reporters, joking with Senate colleagues and speaking up at Senate hearings.
To others who are now “facing a really dark holiday time,” Fetterman offered this guidance: “I know that last year’s was desolate. And this year’s might be desolate. Next year’s can be the best ever. And that’s what happened for me.”
