我最后一次采访雷切尔·戈德堡-波林(Rachel Goldberg-Polin)和乔恩·戈德堡-波林(Jon Goldberg-Polin)，他们是一名以色列裔美国人的父母，去年10月7日，在他们于8月在芝加哥举行的民主党全国代表大会(Democratic National Convention)上发表演讲后的第二天早上，人群自发地爆发出“带他们回家”的口号。
要求释放哈马斯俘虏的呼声不仅让与会者潸然泪下，而且似乎是坚忍的雷切尔·戈德堡-波林第一次公开哭泣，她把头靠在讲台上抽泣。
第二天早上，当我们在芝加哥的会议大厅交谈时，这对夫妇似乎受到了人群中意外的呼喊的鼓舞，他们23岁的儿子赫什(Hersh)和其他人可能会在拜登政府斡旋的人质交易中获释。那天早上，雷切尔衬衫上贴着的那条标志着哈马斯恐怖分子10月7日袭击以色列的胶带读数为321。
在第330天，她的儿子和其他五名人质，被处决了在加沙南部城市拉法的一个隧道里。
这些人质是2023年10月7日被劫持的250名人质中在加沙失踪的100多名人质之一。据以色列官员称，另有约1200人在哈马斯的袭击中丧生。
上周晚些时候，我再次会见了赫什的父母，发现一对夫妇的任务被终止了，他们的希望破灭了。赫什的死束缚了他们的悲伤，他们已经成功地转移了有利于带他回家的使命。但这也解放了他们，让他们可以说出以前不敢说的话。
乔恩比我见过的任何时候都苍白;瑞秋，瘦点。他们仍然非常诚实。他们近一年的讨伐打开了世界各国元首办公室的大门，但最终，他们说他们感到失败了。
“我们确实失败了，因为只有一个二进制结果，”乔恩说。“成功等于把赫什和其他人质活着带回家。做不到这一点就是失败。所以我们确实失败了。但世界让我们失望了，让这6名人质失望了，世界失败了。”
8月下旬，人质被处决，引发了以色列的大规模抗议活动，向以色列总理本雅明·内塔尼亚胡的政府施压，迫使其通过停火和人质协议。在那之后的几天里，戈德堡-波林夫妇了解到了更多关于他们儿子死因的信息。
雷切尔用几乎精确的细节叙述了尸检报告的发现。
“赫什被发现时差不多有6英尺高。他体重115磅。如你所知，我们现在知道他失去了左手。他们认为他中枪时是站着的。第一颗子弹，穿过了他的右手，他唯一的一只手进入了他的肩膀，进入了他的脖子。从他头的侧面出来的。然后他们认为他倒下了，然后他被击中后脑。子弹从他的头顶射出。我们知道这一点，因为他的头发里充满了火药味，”她说。
雷切尔说，当以色列军队在处决后的第二天发现赫什和其他五个人在隧道里时，他跪了下来。
在10月7日的Nova音乐节上，其中一名年轻女子也被抓获，她就是24岁的Eden Yerushalmi，音乐节上的一名酒保，她的头枕在他的臀部。
在他们旁边发现了一个用废纸板制作的双陆棋棋盘。在怀疑可能会发生什么以及失去解救人质的机会的漩涡中，戈德堡-波林夫妇确定了一件事:他们为自己的儿子感到骄傲，他的手被炸掉了，但他幸存了下来，并且被剥夺了食物、阳光、水和空气。
“他精神很坚强。他很聪明，”琼恩注意到。“我对他有信心。我是对的。我们都是对的。他尽了自己的职责。”
随着犹太人赎罪日的临近，雷切尔反思了这场悲剧如何影响了她的信仰。
“人们问我，因为他们知道我们是信教的，他们说，‘你因为这件事失去信仰了吗?’我说，‘我没有失去对上帝的信仰。我对许多人失去了信心，我原以为他们可能会有不同的表现，”她说。
“但是，我对这六个年轻人有着难以置信的信心和自豪，因为他们坚持了这么久，做了每一件正确的事情，因为，当有人用枪指着你的头、手或脖子，在你完全没有防备的情况下杀死你时，这无论如何都不是你的错。他们把每一件事都做对了。我为赫什和他们所有人能坚持这么久感到无比骄傲，”她补充道。
他们说，内塔尼亚胡政府辜负了他们。他们担心其余的人质会在囚禁中死去。内塔尼亚胡政府指责哈马斯的不妥协。该组织的领导人Yahya Sinwar已经被单独监禁了一个多月。
在这个阶段，人质和停火谈判陷入僵局，哈马斯领导人在加沙迷宫般的隧道中联系不上，雷切尔将双方的平民比作国际象棋中的棋子。
“我担心我们这边的许多无辜的人，当然是加沙的人，被认为是这场游戏中的棋子，是可以牺牲的，直到有权力和影响力的人决定他们完蛋了。我对这些信息并不知情，”她说。
他们说，这对夫妇真正明白的是，当前的“轨迹行不通”
“暴力、报复、愤怒、仇恨、暴力、报复、愤怒、仇恨这种持续的循环对我们没有好处，”雷切尔说。“谁会有足够的勇气说，‘他们哪儿也不会去。我们哪儿也不去。“我们要做些什么来继续前进，”这是现在真正的问题。"
在我看来，在过去一年关于这场冲突的文字海洋中，没有什么比雷切尔关于以色列人和巴勒斯坦人的这一结束语更能引起共鸣。
“我们知道有交易的机会，但那些机会没有出现，我的理解是被认为是战略原因。似乎事情正在扩大，有更多的痛苦和苦难，”她说。
当雷切尔和乔恩·戈德堡-波林在考虑他们未来的宣传工作可能会是什么样子时，他们已经开始关注一个要求更高的问题:他们的悲伤。
“330天来，我一直在积极抑制如此多的情感折磨、混乱和恐惧，作为一种心理防御机制，我甚至不知道如何开始处理这些，”雷切尔说。“所以我在很多方面都被冻结在极端的现在，这是一个可怕的地方，因为我知道这是暂时的。”
Parents of slain Israeli-American hostage reflect on their mission: Reporter's notebook
I had last interviewed Rachel and Jon Goldberg-Polin, the parents of an Israeli-American man taken hostage by Hamas on Oct. 7 last year, the morning after their speech at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago in August, during which the crowd spontaneously erupted in chants of "bring them home."
The calls for the release of Hamas' captives not only left convention-goers in tears, but appeared to be the first time that the stoic Rachel Goldberg-Polin wept publicly, resting her head on the lectern to sob.
When we spoke the following morning in Chicago, on the convention floor, the couple seemed buoyed by the crowd's unplanned chants and the prospect that their son, Hersh, 23, and others might be freed in a hostage deal being brokered by the Biden administration. That morning, the piece of tape Rachel wears on her shirt marking the days since Hamas terrorists attacked Israel on Oct. 7, had read 321.
On day 330, her son, along with five other hostages,were executedin a tunnel in the southern Gaza city of Rafah.
The hostages were among the over 100 that remained missing in Gaza from the 250 hostages taken captive on Oct. 7, 2023. About 1,200 other people were killed in the attack by Hamas, according to Israeli officials.
I met Hersh's parents again late last week, finding a couple whose mission was terminated, and whose hope was shattered. Hersh's death has shackled them to a grief they had successfully deflected in favor of the mission to bring him home. But it also freed them to say what they never dared before.
Jon was paler than I'd ever seen; Rachel, thinner. They remained cuttingly honest. Their nearly year-long crusade has opened doors to the offices of heads of state around the world, but in the end, they said they felt defeated.
"We did fail because there was one binary result," Jon said. "Success equals bring Hersh and the other hostages home alive. Anything short of that is failure. So we did fail. But the world let us down, let down these six hostages, and the world failed."
In the days after the execution of the hostages in late August, which triggered mass protests in Israel to pressure the government of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to push through a cease-fire and hostage deal, the Goldberg-Polins learned more about how their son died.
Rachel recited the autopsy report findings with almost actuarial detail.
"Hersh was almost six feet tall when he was found. He was 115 pounds. We now know he was missing his left hand, as you know. They think that he was standing when he was first shot. The first bullet, went through his right hand, his only hand into his shoulder, into his neck. That came out the side of his head. Then they think that he collapsed and then he was shot in the back of the head. And the bullet came out of the top of his head. And we know that because there's so much gunpowder in his hair," she said.
Rachel said Hersh was slumped on his knees when Israeli troops found him in that tunnel with the five others a day after the execution.
One of the young women also captured at the Nova Music Festival on Oct. 7 -- Eden Yerushalmi, 24, who was a bartender at the festival -- was found with her head resting on his hip.
A backgammon board crafted from scrap cardboard was found next to them. In a swirl of doubt about what could have happened, and the missed opportunities to free the hostages, the Goldberg-Polins were certain about one thing: their pride in their son, who survived his hand being blown off, and the deprivation of food, sun, water and air.
"He's mentally tough. He's smart," Jon noted. "And I had faith in him. I was right. We both were right. He did his part."
With Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, approaching, Rachel reflected on how the tragedy affected her faith.
"People have asked me, because they know that we're religious, and they said, 'Have you lost your faith through this?' And I said, 'I have not lost my faith in God. I have lost my faith in a lot of people who I thought maybe would behave differently,'" she said.
"But, I have such incredible faith and pride in those six young people for making it so long and doing every single thing right, because, when someone puts a gun to your head or your hand or your neck and kills you when you are completely defenseless, that is not your fault in any way. They did every single thing right. And I am incredibly proud of Hersh and all of them for making it that long," she added.
The Netanyahu government, they said, had failed them. They fear that the rest of the hostages will die in captivity. Netanyahu's government has blamed Hamas for its intransigence. The group's leader, Yahya Sinwar, has been essentially incommunicado for more than a month.
At this stage, with hostage and cease-fire negotiations stalled and Hamas' leader unreachable in Gaza's warren of tunnels, Rachel likened civilians on both sides to pawns in chess.
"And I am concerned that many innocent people on our side, certainly in Gaza, are considered pawns in this game and are expendable until the people who have power and influence decide that they're done. And I'm not privy to that information," she said.
What the couple does understand, they say, is that the current "trajectory doesn't work."
"This constant circle -- violence, revenge, anger, hatred, violence, revenge, anger, hatred -- it has not served us well," Rachel said. "Who is going to be brave enough to say, 'They're not going anywhere. We're not going anywhere. What are we going to do to move forward?' And that's the real question now."
And it seems to me that in the ocean of words spilled out about the conflict over the past year, nothing resonates more than this closing thought from Rachel about Israelis and Palestinians.
"We know that there were openings for deals and those were opportunities that didn't occur for, my understanding is what were considered strategic reasons. And it seems that things are now expanding and there's more misery and suffering," she said.
As they wrestle with what their future advocacy work might look like, Rachel and Jon Goldberg-Polin have begun to tend to a far more demanding matter: their grief.
"For 330 days, I was actively suppressing so much emotional torment, turmoil, [and] terror as a psychological defense mechanism that I don't even know how to start to process any of that," Rachel said. "So I'm in many ways very much frozen in the extreme present, and it's a scary place to be because I know that it's temporary."
